34 Life Lessons for 34 Years of Life

Am I now in my middle ages? My twilight years? Just kidding

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Dear Inklings,

I turned 34 this week. Imagine: there was a time I didn’t think I would make it past 19. Yet here I am, still kicking. At times I feel as though I’ve lived far longer than my 34 years, and other times as though I am still very much a child. Maggie Smith writes about how we are all nesting dolls in her memoir, carrying previous iterations within ourselves. I wrote about this once:

Time is a strange concept. It marches on while parts of me remain firmly planted in the past. It begs the question, who am I, really?

Am I the five-year-old girl clawing at her parents’ locked door, crying to be let in?

Am I the seventeen-year-old standing at the edge of the roof, looking down at the cars below, and wondering how quickly the pain could end?

Am I the 23-year-old who found unconditional acceptance in a man who loves her for all she is?

Am I an idealist? Am I now a realist? Am I too much? Am I lovable? Am I lovable? Am I lovable?

The desperate pursuit for answers to those bone-deep questions continues.

When I realised I was turning 34 soon, I thought it’d be fun to make a list of things I’ve learned. Lists are fun and neat; life, not so much (and usually isn’t).

But still.

I have always been the type to go all in when I decide to do something. Sometimes that leads to mistakes. Sometimes I learn from those mistakes.

Note: since drafting this, I read an article by

Rob Henderson

who, upon turning 34 as well, also wrote 34 lessons he learned “the hard way.”¹

Without further ado, I present my 34 life lessons for 34 years:

1. You’re not as smart as you think you are.

2. Over-explaining your reasoning and justification for your choices is sometimes a trauma response. Stop it.

3. Sometimes even if you explain yourself to death, those who already have a skewed perception of you won’t change their minds anyway. 

4. On that note, you owe nobody your story. 

5. Give people the benefit of the doubt but also be prepared to do an Elsa and let it go.

6. The best memories are often unplanned moments.

7. Rise before the sun whenever you can and watch it cast its glow across the earth. It does wonders for your mental health. 

8. Most of the most important things aren’t the most urgent. Don’t let them sit quietly in the background until it’s too late to act on them.

9. Don’t exaggerate or downplay; say what you mean. 

10. Saying yes to something means you’re saying no to something else; choose wisely. 

11. Wisdom really does come with age, so even if you think you know better, listen, and learn to sift through the words of people who have lived longer than you.

12. You only need one truly safe relationship to start to heal from all the unsafe ones. 

13. It will never feel like you had enough time with the ones you love; don’t be too hard on yourself.

14. When you want to remember something, write it down. Your memory is shit.

15. Social media sucks life out of your soul; don’t wait so long to leave it behind.

16. People you just meet and like will always appear more attractive than those you already have in your life, but over time, the glimmer always fades. Rushing off to the next glimmer is not the answer. Stay and grow roots.

17. When you’re feeling down, think about your current situation and how much worse it could be. It actually does make you feel better sometimes.

18. To teach gratitude to your children, practice it yourself. Don’t make a habit of complaining; our brains naturally latch on to the negative. You have to fight against that inclination.

19. As cliche as it sounds, most people really are trying their best with what they have.

20. Friendships are priority relationships too. 

21. If you think the other person is being toxic, check yourself first. 

22. Read books that are slightly more challenging than you think you can handle. You’d be surprised.

23. Turn off your phone regularly.

24. People would rather talk about themselves than listen to you. Let them and then they might be more interested in listening. 

25. Discipline over motivation.

26. Be firm with yourself but not rigid.

27. Do what you say you will do. If you can’t do it, don’t say you will. That’s putting yourself on the fast track to earning distrust.

28. Even if you say the same thing others have said before, say it anyway—this time with your own voice.

29. Put yourself in order before judging someone else.

30. Being isolated and alone isn’t actually as nice as you think it is.

31. The older you get, the more losses you will suffer. The answer is to die before everyone else.²

32. Check sources but assume everything is biased (it is and so are you), so don’t take anyone’s word for anything just because someone you like or respect is saying it.

33. The truth is the truth is the truth.

34. Assume every time you see or talk to someone will be the last time because sometimes it is and someday it will be. Don’t let your last encounter be one of regret.

What would you add to this list?

Until Next Time,

1. Rob Henderson: Lessons I Learned the Hard Way

2. (Mostly) Kidding. Calm down.