To Be Loved Completely
On shame and how I am slowly letting go
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“You are an idealist,” my ex used to tell me, as though such a word could fling shame. And it did. “I’m a realist. We’re too different.”
For years I rejected that word as a description of myself. I rejected everything about myself that could have possibly been a reason for him to reject me. Which, as it turned out, felt like everything. I shed my skin and tried to mold myself into something completely opposite of what I was.
He said I was an idealist. He made me cynical.
He said I was too open. I hid away.
He said I was too emotional. I shut off my feelings.