A playlist for my beloved

Innocence

(the one closest to who we are, he said—a favourite)

Your memories, aren’t your destiny

If I looked you in the eye
And showed the broken things inside
(I won’t run away, I won’t run away)
If you saw my darkest parts
The wicked things inside my heart
(I won’t run away, I won’t run away)

Saturn

(the one I sent him while on one of our walks, which became his favourite song)

You taught me the courage of stars before you left
How light carries on endlessly even after death
With shortness of breath you explained the infinite
How rare and beautiful it is to even exist

It's Always Been You

(the last song he sent me. "Pretty," he texted.)

And you let me in when I was at my worst
The moment when I heard you say my name
It's the first time in so long I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid

Ending

How you loved this song.

Maybe I could be your only prize
And maybe you would light it white
Even when I'm falling back
You'd still believe I tried
And maybe we could be a symphony
And maybe I could learn to play
You could write that story
While I just ride the wave

Those You've Known

I sang this for you once after you died. Like a lot of things, it's now lost.

Those you've known and lost still walk behind you
All alone, their song still seems to find you
They call you as if you knew their longing
They whistle through the lonely wind
The long blue shadows falling

All alone, but still I hear their yearning
Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning
The stars too, they tell of spring returning
And summer with another wind
That no one yet has known

Faded (Restrung)

For that time we listened to it together on the road to the mountains. When M said it was a dumb song, and we argued vehemently with him and continued to play it on repeat while E sang "Where are you now" over and over. And you typed, "Atlantis," and we laughed a lot. Like a family time we never got to have in person.

You were the shadow to my light
Did you feel us?
Another star
You fade away
Afraid our aim is out of sight
Wanna see us
Alight

Where are you now?

Was it all in my fantasy?
Where are you now?
Were you only imaginary?
Where are you now?

This Bitter Earth / On the Nature of Daylight

Ah, a song I found after you. You would have liked it. Can you sing now?

This bitter earth

And if my life is like the dust
Ooh, that hides
The glow of a rose
What good am I?
Heaven only knows

It reminded me a little of this one you sent me:

We Are - Symphonic

And we'll walk until
A new day will break
Till the hurt wears off
And the storm will fade
We will talk again
About the difference
And we both will see
That our love has grown

Dynasty

I suppose death leaves a lifetime of unanswered questions, but I suppose you did warn me you would ruin me, though it wasn't in the way you expected, and I did mean it when I said I would love you nevertheless. Because so you did, and so I do.

A scar I can't reverse
And the more it heals, the worse it hurts
Gave you every piece of me, no wonder it's missing
Don't know how to be so close to someone so distant

And all I gave you is gone
Tumbled like it was stone
Thought we built a dynasty that heaven couldn't shake
Thought we built a dynasty like nothing ever made
Thought we built a dynasty forever couldn't break up

Even Though I Walk

And even though you know I'm generally a downer about Christian songs like this one, this was playing on the radio, and the bridge made me pull over while driving to a doctor's appointment and burst into tears. In the aftermath, this reminded me why I dislike these sorts of songs. I mean, the emotional manipulation.

Oh death, you have lost your sting
Oh grave, you have met my King
Oh fear, are you trembling?
We both know who wins
We both know who wins this fight

I love you. Come back.